The Obligatory Crossover
by spoonerdog123
Summary: When Honda and Jou's attempts at looking up a gi- I mean, when their attempts at dueling go wrong, two semi-pervert jocks end up in Hogwarts, with little intention of following the 'save the world' plot the author wants. Not the best start to a story all about saving worlds... (YGO/HP, crossing with various other fandoms - meant as a parody of crossovers in general)
1. Foreword and Ch 1: The Potter Incident

**Foreword**

Reason says that life should be predictable.

This is because, when you think about it and ignore slim chances, then things tend to proceed in a logical, step–by–step sort of way – if you give someone a present, you don't expect them to jump out the window and go scuba–diving with dragons (unless you gave them scuba equipment, obviously). Sure, there's usually more than one ending to a given scenario, but all of them are pretty damn logical. For instance, the person you just gave that present to – who for the purposes of narcissistic Author portrayal shall be _me_ – are they going to like your present or not? Two outcomes, right there, and both of them make _sense_. The choice of reaction is between 'like' and 'dislike' – there is no 'eat the gift giver' option, unless either you're stuck in a seriously messed up fandom, or I just had a necklace presented to me by a succulent leg of lamb.

Getting to the point – scenarios in life generally have endings you can predict. Either Kaiba loses the card game or Kaiba wins the card game or Kaiba forfeits the card game or Kaiba rage quits the card game; Kaiba does _not_ explode and destroy the whole world and also the plot, because that's just silly. Thing is, the Internet is not real life – so Kaiba can explode upon it; and he does explode in a thousand fanfics, and nothing makes any sense – but that's okay because everyone's dead, so there's nothing left to make any sense _of. _Similarly, a Wikipedia cruise can take you from 'Fridge' to 'Armageddon' in all of three clicks, leaving you to blink and wonder how the heck _that _was relevant.

As a creation of the interwebs; this fic, therefore, is an unpredictable piece.

Which is why when I explain to you the whole sorry story of how two Yu–Gi–Oh jocks ended up being pursued by a giant three–headed dog, an angry man with a harp, and a troll because they _tried to look up a girl's skirt_, you really can't say I didn't warn you about the randomness of this fic.

* * *

**Chapter One: **_In which two idiots jump at a wall, when they should have jumped at a train._

* * *

The day was hot – the warm air sticky and humid, the faces of passers-by moist with sweat. The people here looked gaunt and tired, their limbs slowed and–

–_and _you would likely never have gotten a day like this in Domino City, Japan, which is exactly where our two protagonists are living in the canon. That's why they had come over _here_, to King's Cross Train Station in a strange place called England; because sweaty girls are hot girls, and Jounouchi had gotten this great camera for his birthday. He was going to perv on a whole new level today, and his mate Honda had come along to watch a great record be broken.

But because the dub ruined everything, we'll just pretend for a minute that Jounouchi and Honda were in England because of a duel – it's _always_ a duel – and Jounouchi, eager to get his game on, had decided that he was going to challenge everyone he saw, and the author is here careful not to mention that those he 'duels' are always both female and wearing short skirts (low–cut tops are optional, but preferred). He was going to train himself up, and be the Best Damn Duelist Ever. Off he went, 'challenging' people with a feistiness that went unmatched – anyone watching him automatically gasped at his prowess, as he singlehandedly tore through duelist after duelist. Some people even looked horrified by the sheer swiftness of which he did it, too; which really only reinforces just how badass he was.

"On_ fire! _Flaming _hot!_", Honda yelled at one point, as he examined the photos the blonde had taken during the matches of – er, his 'amazing plays'. Most of the time, Jounouchi had been duelling, and Honda had been observing from a distance – they had only come together because the blonde asked his mate to video the next duel. "Oh, I suppose it's going to be special?"

Jounouchi's honey orbs (always honey orbs, never anything _else_) sparkled in the sunlight. "Yeah – this one's going to be _awesome_. You'll never have seen anything like this, mate!"

"Keep it up!", Honda beamed; and in an attempt to indicate what the main ship of this fic is, he clapped Jounouchi hard across the shoulders. The blonde gave him a friendly nudge with his hips, then and sallied forth to find another opponent, grinning goofily the whole time.

And boy, _did _he find an opponent! What a woman, what a… a… a _strong _woman! She reminded Honda of Mai, because she was just so _strong! _How was Jou going to win against her?

Well – win Jou did, and he won in style. What with his hands shaking in excitement, it was all his buddy could do to videotape the awesome that was the frenzied match. In typical cliché fashion, the blonde appeared to be suffering in this duel, his opponent 'unmoving' – but then he 'came from behind', catching his formidable foe 'off guard'. His opponent's defeat was of course painstakingly described in slow motion – the force of that final blow sent their hair flying back…

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

After some time had passed (and the author has tired of trying to make the perverse happenings sound like a game of cards), it was time for something plot – related to happen. In this case, Jounouchi and Honda saw a girl randomly start running at a wall. They rushed over to try and stop her – but then she was gone into the wall, and unable to stop themselves, they too went flying at the bricks and then they saw the Hogwarts Express and ZOMG CHAPTER IS OVER NOW GAIZ GAIZ PLEASE R&R GAIZ IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME LISTEN NOWW GAIZ GAIZ, and _then _it all collapsed in that wreck that was the Author's Note, oh the RPs and the sentences, all too long, it burns-

* * *

Good thing I'm not that author; good thing, indeed. Now, where were we? Oh, yes…

It had been a long, hard day; but more than worth it. At last, Jounouchi and Honda stood in the shade with their victory prize: a camera full of images, each one showing 'a duelist being defeated'. These were very important to the boys – you see, they had put Jounouchi's 'strategies' through their paces, and managed to get pictures of all his 'techniques' but one. This one was, incidentally, one of the hardest to pull off; Jounouchi had to be moving in perfect synchronization with Honda to, erm, 'achieve perfect friendship mode, and expose the other duelist's defences as a result'.

It took them some time to find the right duelist with the right 'deck' for the job; if they were to pull it off properly, Jounouchi wanted to make sure that the picture would be absolutely _epic_. Eventually, they found the girl they needed; and racing at her from behind, they–

–and suddenly, she took off, running right at a wall not so far away from her. Jounouchi and Honda, however, were focused on their 'target' and already screaming out the name of their move, too occupied to notice that _holy moley she just disappeared and we're going right at a wall_. And then, they _did _notice, and their screams rose significantly in volume; though as they didn't have time to change their screams to something other than what they were already yelling, they simply called out the move's name as they went straight towards the wall, granite rushing up to meet them and _wait a sec this isn't solid what the hell–_

* * *

Platform Nine and Three Quarters was a peaceful sort of place, even with all the hustle and bustle that was the parents escorting their special little snowflakes towards the train – a big, fiery red steam engine, because apparently the underground economy isn't looking so good or something. The smoke from the chimney stack wafted in the air about the magnificent engine, and somehow didn't cause everyone to asphyxiate due to all the smoke in the mostly enclosed station – that's _magic_, that is.

And everywhere you looked, there were kids frolicking off to their first day of magic school (oh so fun, everyone loves magic school). Over _here_, which happens to be a very vague direction intended to cause the reader to have nostalgic feelings or something – anyway, over _here _was a group of twelve year olds, playing with their owls.

Over _there _was a group of twelve year olds who had just had their fingers removed by the ferocious beasts that were also known as owls, but since no fingers meant no magic, and MAGIC was all that mattered in this scene, nobody cared about them.

And now, we'll point our ADD reader in the direction of a wall through which people were arriving; everyone was out of breath and moving at high velocity when they came out, and somehow even with all the heavy trolleys, this didn't impact on the rest of the people in the station in the least. I have no idea how the hell that even worked, so I'll just call it magic – and _bam_, it fits with our magical, magical scene.

Through this wall came the girl Jounouchi and Honda had been rushing before.

And then, a few seconds later, the peaceful world of Platform Nine and Three Quarters was irreversibly shattered forever; as our two protagonists shot through, screaming out their move in unison as they came into the light, the plank held out before them, all ready to flip up someone's skir– I _mean_, all ready to win a duel with that great move of theirs.

Incidentally, their wild yells sounded something like this:

"PAAAAAAAANTYYYYY TAAAAANNK!"

* * *

**Notes:**

– After some thought, this fic has been removed from the HP/YGO crossover section, because the plot dictates that (a) actual HP characters barely show up, (b) the fic is going to get itself badly mixed up with several _other _fandoms, and (c) it's honestly more focused around YGO characters and parodying as many crossovers as I can wave a stick at; including little known serieses no-one's ever heard of.

– Yes, Jou and Honda really are that perverted in the early manga.

– Yes, they did in fact pull a certain move whilst yelling 'Panty Tank!' in the manga.

– Yes, this chapter is a shameless attack on the Harry Potter/YGO crossovers - but hey, I'm only writing this because I found a HP/YGO I actually liked. 'Emissary of Darkness' - very fun fic, in my opinion, even if it was totally serious (which is more than I can say for my little monstrosity here)

- Updates will be every Thursday, unless they aren't. Then I'll make up some ridiculous excuse for y'all, despite having a fair amount of buffer here.

And lastly, just because you're expecting it: ZOMG CHAPTER IS OVER NOW GAIZ GAIZ PLEASE R&R GAIZ IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME LISTEN NOWW GAIZ GAIZ–


	2. Name Sirname and the Noun of MAGIC

**Chapter Two: **_In which two idiots meet two OTHER idiots, who are from a fandom utterly unrelated to the initial fandoms crossed, and so dig the fic ever so slightly deeper into its grave. _

* * *

Jounouchi, once he was finished screaming, skidded to a halt and looked around, eyes - no, I take that back, his _honey orbs_ - bright with mischief. "Cool, there's magic everywhere! And pointy sticks! And kids playing with their owls!"

"And also, a train!", Honda chimes in.

"And chi- I mean, duelists! Duelists everywhere!"

"Magic gir- I mean, magic everywhere! Magic magic magic!"

"IT'S ALL SO MAGICAL!"

"WHAT A WONDERFUL WOOOORLLLD!"

Having finished the obligatory recap, and with arms thrown around each other's shoulders, they broke out into a musical number - some monstrosity that I'm not about to type out here because I happen to be a goody goody two shoes who never breaks the rules, if we don't count the fourth wall. All you need to know is that the song was loud, with a pounding beat, and a really silly dance as well, one that no sane performer would even attempt, one that nearly decapitated several members of the Nine and Three Quarters crew. The lyrics were of course highly relevant - they were all about getting drunk, hitting the floor, and then meeting an absolutely _magical _chi- I mean, _magical_ duelist - which basically describes ninety-nine percent of all modern pop songs.

Of course, the author was later done in for using someone else's lyrics, and having raged about it in their Author's Note and/or had the reviewer butchered 'fer flamingz', they proceeded to try their hand at - oh, _god_ - poetry. So, since the end result was all so _original_, let it here be recorded for all eternity. The author used script format, but as that's banned, Honda's lines are bracketed, whilst Jounouchi's are unbracketed.

___Love, love, love, love playing cards, I mean- __whydoesthislinehavesomanysyllablesletmetryitagain. _

_(Relevance, words words, rhyming!)_

_'Kay, this is totes original, no stealing_

_(No stealing, y'hear?)_

_I'm gunna duel some peeps_

_(Only got forty cards in my pocket)_

_I-I'm a hunting_

_(Looking for a picture)_

_This is there-goes-our-rate-ing awesome!_

_(I can't rap, so let's keep singing)_

_Singing is just ever so manly_

_(Let's put some more syllables here s__o the song's unrecognizable, and we aren't breaking copyright)_

_No-one will get the joke in three years time_

_(Yeah, yeah yeah, I don't know how to rhyme)_

_Wait a second, did you just-_

_(LOVE LOVE LUURVE)_

_OH I GET IT, WE DRINK AND STUFF_

_(AND DON'T GIVE A-)_

And then a student came barreling through the wall behind them, and absolutely _flattened _the dreadful duo with his heavy trolley before Platform Nine and Three Quarters could be violated any further.

* * *

At any rate, it was a damn good thing that heavy trunk was _magical, _or everyone's favourite duo might have actually gotten hurt. As it was, they simply got back on their feet, raced out of the way before they could be run over a second time, and went right back to emphasizing just how awesomely magical and wondrous the place was, and how bloody jealous all their friends were going to be when they went home and told their friends all about it. In fact, they yelled and hollered this sort of thing at the top of their lungs; and for some utterly obscure reason, none of the wizards or witches actually raised the alarm at this point. Maybe they were deaf-

-and then, in a terrible development intended to draw the readers away from that little plot hole and back into the STORY, Jounouchi dropped dead for no good reason. Unfortunately, this didn't help matters much, because the people of Nine and Three Quarters didn't even _blink. _

Of course, there had to be a semi-logical sounding explanation for that - so here we go: Magic in this place basically meant that you could make people drop dead for no good reason, people dropping dead was a pretty common occurrence. And besides - when Honda noticed what had just happened to his buddy, he squeezed his eyes shut; and the other two people to take notice of the incident _stared_, which means that no-one aware of Jounouchi's death was technically blinking.

Speaking of Honda - in a show of angst, the brunette beat his chest and screamed out an almighty "NOoOOO000O!1!I!", one that shook the station and shattered the glass with its pure manliness. He wailed and howled and thought lots of angsty things, he knelt at Jounouchi's side and cried until his voice was husky, his hands curled into firsts, eyes bloodshot. Everything was going _wrong _in his world; Jounouchi should have died of a nosebleed, or of bootleg alcohol, or a drug overdose, or all at once - not just suddenly collapse, dead without even a _knife_ though his chest, or any blood for that matter. With a trembling hand, he laid the blonde's Duel Disk at his side...

...and this was about when the author realized that Honda hadn't exactly checked Jounouchi's pulse, and so couldn't have known that he was, in fact, _dead_. She made up some sort of excuse - Honda was just so worried and had assumed the worst. Soon enough, the brunette came to his senses and checked Jounouchi's pulse - insert a Little Kuriboh joke here - and so the angst went on and on, page after page of depressed teenager; who may or may not have been looking up the skirts of the girls walking past him as he crouched over his prone friend.

Jounouchi would have wanted him to do it, after all.

* * *

After a great deal of crying and screaming from the brunette (the audience now feeling rather lost and lonely themselves, though more due to confusion than any decent writing on the author's part - when exactly did this plot get so whiny?), the two observers the readers totally forgot about came over to Honda.

"Hello", said one; a well-kept young man of perhaps eighteen in a suit and tie, brown hair plastered against his head.

"Hello", said his companion - a gangly eighteen year old, dirty clothes hanging off his hunched frame, black hair sticking out in all directions, and incidentally handcuffed to his friend. His right thumb was in his mouth, forcing his companion to bring his left hand close to his head; something the latter was clearly comfortable with, but which the shabby man seemed to be utterly unaware of.

"What is your name?", asked the clean one.

Clearly, this is a most appropriate question to be asking someone whose friend has just died.

"Did you kill that person?", asked the dirty one.

And this is clearly an even _more _appropriate question to be asking someone whose friend has just died.

With a guttural noise, Honda got to his feet and shook-

-uh, shook their hands warmly; v_ery _warmly, so much so that somehow both of the newcomers ended up on the ground, battered and bruised. He glared down at them - in a rather friendly way, of course. "My name is Hiroto Honda," he snarled, the sort of joyous sound that served to warm the hearts of everyone present. "This is Katsuya Jounouchi - and no, I did _not _kill him."

"Exactly what the serial killer Kira would say," declared the ill-dressed newcomer. "I am now fifty-four point nine percent sure that you are Kira, which means that much like Light here - you're under arrest."

Silence.

"Can you wait here while I get another set of handcuffs?"

Silence.

Silence.

_Growl._

"You know, I don't think I hit y- I mean, I don't think I greeted you quite warmly enough before. Let me just try that again." Honda bent to shake the dirty one's hand a second time, and the clean one wisely decided to change the subject, making use of their being handcuffed to pull his inquisitive companion behind his back.

"I am ever so sorry, we really should have introduced ourselves - I am Light, and this is Ryuuzaki. We are here because"- and here, his eyes flickered slightly to the duel disk at Jounouchi's side - "Ryuuzaki is a Duel Monsters champion, and we were looking for the tournament."

Before Honda could comment on how he _knew _Dino Ryuuzaki - and Dino Ryuuzaki, despite being a champion, was an arrogant twelve year old with a thing for dinosaurs, the shabby one blinked for the first time in six minutes. This alone was enough to shut the brunette's mouth, never mind the sudden unsettling gaze he was transfixed with. After a long pause, the young man murmured; "You threatened me... I am now fifty - six percent certain that you are Kira."

Light shrugged, his expression unreadable. "Kira would react with anger at being accused, I suppose. He would be frustrated that someone had found out his identity."

Ryuuzaki hummed a little, thumb pulling at his lower lip as he rocked back on his heels. "Then again... We must assume that Kira is the greatest of all actors. He would be more than capable of hiding such a violent reaction."

"Or maybe he would react that way deliberately, thinking that we were expecting to see a nonviolent reaction from Kira."

The shabby one cocked his head to one side, evidently deep in thought. "So the question, then, is this: What _were _we expecting...?"

_And so on and on our needlessly convoluted introduction goes, during which a plot long enough to fill a good thirteen books is condensed into five hundred words and shoved down the readers' throats, putting them off Death Note for life..._

* * *

Eventually, Honda managed to force his way back into the discussion, rubbing at his temples - he, much like the readers, had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on here, and he didn't particularly want to find out. All he wanted was to be allowed to have his angsty chapter in peace, without those two drongos discussing whether or not he was a serial killer _right over his head_.

Seriously, these guys were clearly _geniuses_.

"Look - I'm sure you both reckon you're secret agents-"

Ryuuzaki, being Ryuuzaki, didn't even let him finish: "Detectives, actually."

"- well, whatever you think you are - I'm trying to grieve here. So, if you could possibly push off-"

"I am now fifty eight point three percent certain that you are Kira."

Silence.

Silence.

AND DEN A RANDUN MEMBER OF CROWD SHWED UP AN EX-PLANE-ED DAT JOUNOUCHI WAZ INNLY LITLEE BIT DEAD, SUMONE KEARLEE STOFFED UP TEIR ADRA KEDRAVADASDFGHJKL, AN LOOKEE NOW HES GUT SPEKIAL SKAR LIKE HARRY'S, BUT EVEN BETTER AND ISNT DIS SOE EXTING PLZ R&R-

-and they all decided to just forget about everything that had just happened in this thoroughly useless chapter.

* * *

**Notes:**

- Serieses shown so far: YGO, Harry Potter, Death Note. For the record, I obviously own no songs referenced or serieses portrayed in this fic.

- You've gotta love it when an entire chapter is just dedicated to introducing characters or similar, and then those characters serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever in the story until after you've forgotten all about them. Ironic, that is.

- Heads up: I am being dragged off to some remote bushland for a 'holiday', which basically means that when I get back on Sunday, you guys may well be spammed with chapters on this fic and 'Dear Fan Fiction Writers', due to my mind going into overdrive with no distractions.

* * *

**Review replies for Chapter One (for now, additional guests reviewing on Chapter One will find that their replies are placed on this doc as well): **

leppy: Th'nark! It's probably best not to mention Johji to me, though - given his tendencies, he may well end up in the fic at some later stage.


	3. Writer's Jocks

**Chapter Three:** _In which two idiots go one worse than getting in a car full of strangers: they get in a **train **full of strangers._

_Clearly, they are excellent role models._

* * *

Following their surprise meeting with those weird - detective - guys - who - likely - won't - be - relevant - to - the - rest - of - the - story (OR WULL DEY?), Honda's attempting to have an angst scene and be a p- _duelist_ at the same time, and Jounouchi's random resurrection ("I'm alive now, because Avva Death Note Kebaba backfired, something like that, and now I've got a scar" "Any idea why?" "Oh, I blame the friendship feels" "Right you are!"), the Dreadful Duo then proceeded to spend a good hour or so frustrating the author.

Perhaps we should elaborate on this - it wasn't like they could wave their little fists in animated protest, but it exactly didn't take a genius to realize that in the current circumstances, they just weren't going to shut up, stop dueling randoms, and_ board the goddamn train_. The main issue appeared to be that the place was simply _too _awesome - and so things kept on distracting them; things which weren't supposed to distract them, but which they still thundered towards with cries of joy. Between them, the dreadful duo managed to completely derail the plot the author had worked so hard for, thwarting her attempts to herd them back onto the right track; or, indeed, the platform. Back and forth they argued - _she_ wanted them to get involved in a plot which took them through her many much-loved fandoms, and _they_ preferred to drive the fic in ever-increasing circles as they saw yet another girl, their writer feeling more and more like a laughing stock with each circuit. Of course, it could be argued that since no-one was reading the fic, no-one was laughing - but then again, that probably wasn't much of a comfort.

The first of the many frustrations they inflicted was undoubtedly to be found in the truly irritating recaps they seemed to be so fond of spewing out, _especially_ when there was some way they could turn it into a lecherous joke ("Check out my scar! Dunno how I got it, but it totally looks like a-" "_Jounouchi!_" "-uh, lightning bolt!"). By the time they were finished with those, the audience was made well and truly aware of the author's newfound desire to kill Jounouchi multiple times over (in the name of 'angst', or so she claimed), in a series or less than savory author's notes; or at the very least embarrass the guy by having every other male in the show hit o- I mean, win against him in a duel.

Yep, being beaten in a duel would sure be embarrassing.

Speaking of 'duels', these formed the second element of what truly irritated the author. As it happened, once they had finished recapping, Jounouchi and Honda dueled near constantly - creating constant problems for the author in covering up what was really going on in a way that was both stylish and novel. In the absence of any examples of a legible nature, it is probably best to say for now that the little writer came to deeply regret her earlier decision to stick truthfully to canon, and thus place all female Hogwarts students in skirts. Still, the duo seemed to be enjoying themselves; not that enjoyment was exactly at the forefront of the author's mind in this particular scenario, but at least it was _a_ positive point...

Last, but certainly not least, came the metaphorical straw that broke the camel's back (or perhaps more appropriately the 'word that broke the writer's keyboard'): the author's horrible realization that Jounouchi and Honda were less interested in the whole 'underground magical world' thing than they were interested in the whole 'all the girls have to wear skirts' thing. They paraded quite happily past croaking pieces of candy, miniature fireworks, and some truly adorable owls that would never, ever bite someone with barely a glance in their direction (as Honda put it, "If they were _badass _owls, then I might want one") - and they certainly weren't entertained by the moving pictures of the newspapers, not even when a man shoved one into the blonde's face.

The last, incidentally, formed a major problem for the budding writer; moving pictures might seem like something utterly insignificant, of course, but that was the whole _point._You see, the newspaper thing was something small, which they were nevertheless supposed to become enraptured in, and from there decide that magic was awesome, so boarding the train would be a really, really good idea, and the sooner they jumped on board, the better - who knows, there might be more newspapers onboard!

In other words, it was a plot point - a flimsy plot point, perhaps, but a plot point nonetheless. It would have made for a heartwarming scene indeed, had Jounouchi gone dallying onto the train with a joyous cry of 'Maaaaagic!'; and _not_, as the case had been, stuffed the proffered newspaper down the throat of its proffer-er, an action which led the main villain of the piece to an early grave. The little author did admittedly find a way around the problem of the general lack of interest in newspapers; after all, the boys seemed to be suitably entranced when they just happened to find a magazine with moving pictures of questionable conte - I _mean_, moving pictures of people dueling - but then again, they didn't exactly move when entranced, and there was no way that a train taking twelve - to - eighteen year olds was going to be sporting a _cart_ that sold more of the things, even if it was a magical train. The duo, therefore, had no reason to get on the Hogwarts Express; and so they did not get on the Hogwarts Express.

It was somewhere around this point, that the author realized that writing this fic with Jounouchi and Honda staying in character was going to be a total pain. Naturally, being the author, she did the sensible thing - she bashed her head against the nearest wall several times, then sat back down and thought long and hard (even if it was '_Well, that was a jolly stupid idea'_, it still counted as thinking). She hummed and she hawed, she ate some more sugar, and then - ahhh, a stroke of genius! She hunched over her keyboard, letting the words flow - because _yes, this is a brilliant idea__, no way can they avoid getting on that train now - _and at last, she sat back at her desk, heaved an enormous sigh of relief, and hit 'Post New Chapter', with her latest example of eloquence now shining at the bottom-

AN DEN JOU AN HNDAA GUT ON TWAIN AND IT WOZ KEWL ANDEN DERE WOZ HOGWARTZ.

-well, she_ did_ admittedly write that, but I probably shouldn't have mentioned it - spoilers, y'see. It's very important to avoid spoilers, because the audience isn't meant to know what's about to happen next, despite the next development being perfectly obvious, not to mention its being discussed for roughly a thousand words prior to its realization. Yes, it is of the greatest significance that a single sentence of badly spelled plot endings does not make its way into any fic, for it will surely wreck the atmosphere you have tried so hard to build...

...Ahhh, who am I kidding?

Let's just get on with the fic already.

* * *

As it happened, the Dreadful Duo did get on the train in the end. It took them a while, and both author and audience ultimately lost interest (not mention patience) but they did board eventually - no alluring Sue-angel, fire- breathing dragon, friends, or zombification required.

The funny thing is, all it took was a stick.

Standing guard over one of the train's many entrance points, and near Jounouchi and Honda in a manner most convenient, was a elderly man with a stick of perhaps thirty centimeters in length, and a scowl so deep as to be immeasurable. As the students boarded, this grump stopped them, so that he could then poke and prod each one in turn, passing the stick over their luggage when satisfied with his checking of its owner - this was evidently the wizard equivalent of a patdown. The younger kids just smiled and chatted to each other while the poking and prodding continued; but the teenagers, to their credit, looked rather uncomfortable about it; and perhaps it was because of this that Jounouchi and Honda paused to watch the show. After some time, they noticed that the girls in particular winced when the stick was passed over them, whilst the older boys tended to swallow hard whenever the stick was pointed at their trunk.

However, it so happened that just as the self - proclaimed 'Dreadful Duo' grew tired of observing this, and began to make their way across the platform in search of another magazine such as the one they had 'found' earlier, one female reacted to the stick with a cold fury. "Don't you point that thing at me!", she hissed, her friends trying to calm her down. "I have my rights!"

The older man's lip twitched in what might have been a smile; though in the minds of the blonde and the brunette, it was of course a lecherous leer. "Hiding _equipment_, are we?"

At that, Jounouchi and Honda, as clean - minded as ever, moved in for a closer listen, shooting each other furtive looks as the man, in a manner most routine, proceeded to jab the girl with his stick - but of course, to them, it was done very slowly and theatrically, in all the right places. "All right, you're almost done..." With a flick of the wrist, the man turned his attention to the girl's luggage, a bolt of red shooting from his stick.

"_Accio_ illicit equipment!"

The case absolutely exploded – the lid flew off, the contents shooting high into the air-

-and for a brief, yet unforgettable moment, the two boys found themselves to be watching a torrent of frilly unmentionables taking flight with a bizarre gracefulness, the eyes of the duo going as wide as their open mouths at the sight. A second later, the censor kicked in, and they were watching a hurricane of trading cards; the bliss ultimately ended by the shrill screams of the loudspeaker:

"WILL ALL YOU MORONS WHO WANT TO GET TO HOGWART'S SCHOOL FOR WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY JUST GET ON THE TRAIN ALREADY?"

Jounouchi and Honda, being Jounouchi and Honda, continued to stare in the hope that they might somehow salvage the moment; in an attempt to regain his dignity, the elderly man glared in the direction of the blonde and the brunette, as he calmly waved the girl on board. "What, haven't you two ever seen a simple first-year charm before? Move along, move along!"

Honda blinked and looked away sheepishly; but Jounouchi grinned in his trademark goofy way and made his way closer, dragging his friend along for the ride, ey- _honey orbs_ alight with mischief. "That was a spell, wasn't it?" He bowed curtly under the man's stare. "Sir - do they teach spells like that at Hogwarts?"

"Didn't I just say it was a first-year spell?" The inspector's voice suddenly hardened. "Come to think of it, you two don't look like you're from around here. Where are your trunks?"

The blonde blurted out the first thing that came to mind: "We are transfer students from Japan. Our trunks were sent ahead of us."

Silence - or at least, as silent as you could get in a busy train station, which was not very silent at all; we might as well just re-term it a long and distinctly awkward pause in the conversation and get on with it. The man glowered, Jounouchi smiled, and Honda sort of stared at his feet; though inwardly he was trying not to kick Jounouchi for saying something so idiotic. Their elder certainly didn't seem to have bought the lie; he folded his arms with a scowl. "Really? You don't look Japa-"

Right on cue, Honda spat out a torrent of Japanese; Jounouchi struggling to keep a straight face at the man's surprised expression - and his buddy didn't exactly help matters when he began to commentate on the current locations of the scattered unmentionables, the language barrier keeping him safe from a sound boxing about the ears. Eventually, Jounouchi found that he was forced to cut his friend off, lest the two of them randomly erupt into gales of laughter that likely wouldn't do their story any good. "Yeah, we're Japanese. So, uh - could we get on the train now?"

Well - the exchange student thing _sounded_ like a reasonable enough excuse, and one of the boys could evidently speak Japanese, and they had found Platform Nine and Three Quarters, which they couldn't have done unless they had a guide. The old man had no reason to be suspicious, and thus ushered the two of them onto the train - after giving them a good poking, of course - and thought little of it.

So it was, that something really, really bad went down in the wonderful, oh-so-magical world of the wizards.

…No, Jounouchi had not just passed wind.

* * *

**Notes:**

- That method of getting them on the freaking train took me a surprisingly long time to come out with, sadly enough.

- I am a stickler for in-characterness. As a result of that, I have found before that it's all too easy to get this amazing plot... and then realize that as it is, your favourite characters are going to react entirely the wrong way, and tear it apart, whether you like it or not.

- If you're looking for a decent crossover in this, you won't find it here - so may I recommend **Emissary of Darkness**? I've been dabbling a bit in the HP/YGO crossover section - this one has great writing, great storyline, and it's all-round awesome.

- The author in the metaplot of this story (SHE SPEKA N ALL CPS NU SPELLIG) actually has her own story about her, which is on another site, set in another universe altogether - so this is technically a _Pokeumans_ story about a Yu-Gi-Oh story about two idiots messing up a Harry Potter story and getting tangled up with Death Note. And then, seeing as Pokeumans itself is a spinoff of a fanfic of an anime of a game... yeah, let's just not go into it.

**Review Replies for Chapter Two:**

Leppy: Thirty Hs is an unusual comparison to be making, but eh - I'll take it as a compliment. It's a story (?) I read quite recently, so it may or may not have affected me during my writing of the obligatory grimdark chapter - at least we didn't get a chapter with a 'groinsaw'. As for Johji, I have to say that all that aspect of him did for me was make him disturbing. Gotta wonder what the heck his parents were like, eh?


	4. Obligatory Naruto Cameo no Jutsu!

**Chapter Four:** _In which two idiots hit a person - or hit __**on**__ a person, either way._

* * *

"ATTENTION, ATTENTION: INSPECTORS WILL BE COMING TO COLLECT YOUR TICKETS."

"Aw, darn! Just when I was getting to the _good _bit!", the blonde exclaimed, leaping to his feet with an apologetic glance at the three twelve year olds he had been regaling with his tales of dueling grandeur. One, a short boy with big green eyes and round spectacles, tugged gently at Honda's jeans; much to the disgust of the little dark haired girl: "Are you leaving, Mister Hiroto?"

The brunette grinned, bending over to ruffle the kid's black hair with the sort of affection that inadvertently shook the boy from side to side, the freckled third member of the band recieving a similar treatment from Jounouchi. "Sorry, mini-Otog-"

"Uh, it's Harry."

The boy didn't exactly glare per se, but the correction was enough to get an awkward sort of laugh out of Honda; strained, a little nervous. "Yes, Harry. And now Jounouchi and I kinda have to go, because..."

* * *

Twenty minutes went by as Honda and Jounouchi, leaning in the doorway of the cabin, then proceeded to retell the entire sorry story of how they'd gotten here, putting in the occasional bit about how they did _this _spell or _that _spell, just to make things sound that much more authentic. "So you see, after the dragon realized that we'd stolen its teddy-"

"That sounds most interesting... Could I see your tickets?" The voice was not necessarily _bossy_, but it nevertheless carried a certain sort of iron in it; the sort that ensured that if those it was commanding did not obey, they would be annihilated soon enough. At present, the speaker sounded bored, though its lilting, almost delicate tenor was punctuated with that bass growl so often attributed to a male.

Two boys exchanged terrified looks, then in unison turned to stare into the eyes of the ticket inspector.

And stare.

And _stare_; and they probably weren't looking at her eyes anymore (well, they decided that 'it' had to be a 'she', forgiving the voice for a moment there). In fact, their gaze roved all over her, providing multiple opportunities for 'Extremely Boring Description Time'. I am usually against such things; however the obligatory description will be provided hence so as to effectively censor the inner fantasies of two teenage boys, not to mention the copious amounts of drool they caused.

She was young and blonde, and quite clearly excellent dueling material; you could see it in her on - the - spot - saunter, that outrageous uniform which couldn't possibly have been approved by the regulations team, the way she always seemed to be poised for a photoshoot at any given moment, and of course in the bright, lustrous, almost outrageous colour of her hair. She observed the two boys for a long moment through her single eye (long golden bangs mostly her left eye from sight, though the edges of a greyish plate could be seen underneath), and blinked, as though in partial recognition of the duo; then shook her head in confusion, yellow tresses falling around her shoulders as they fell out of her pony tail, just in case you seriously needed to be reminded of her hair colour every freaking sentence.

Which, by the way, was a rich colour best compared with sunflowers - and no, not the dead ones, the _live _ones-

"Tickets?", the young man (for the author knew it to be male) repeated, his expression a little puzzled; it was as though he had absolutely no idea why these two boys appeared to be drooling in his general direction.

_"T-tickets? Wh–what tickets?"_, the brunette spluttered out, yelping when this mate kicked him in the shins for spoiling the commemorative silence held in honor of such a woman - such a deck, such a face! If only that eyebrow wasn't cocked in sarcasm at that moment, if only her-

"Did you just say there was a gecko in here?"

-if only her voice wasn't quite so low, and growly, and very obviously _male..._

...and egad, if only everyone's favourite dynamic duo weren't utterly ignoring the author's not-so-subtle nudges in favor of checking out the new character's spectacularly girly hips, then this scene might have actually been serious. Not that serious really would have been a good thing in such a silly story as this, but still.

Jounouchi, to his credit, at least attempted to get things on the right track, as the inspector towered over the two of them, eyes flashing murder: _"Er- he speaks Japanese when he's nervous." _

And, not for the first time, the author cursed the plot points for getting in the road when she seriously didn't need them - see, this is why this whole section didn't go into her 'AWSME STRRY'. In all honesty, she just kind of went 'an thy met dedara on teh train' and moved on, and everyone got to 'Hagworts'.

Now, if only Jounouchi had been speaking _English _at that moment, things might have been a little diff-

"A hotel for your gluestick?" The young lady's lip curled in a somewhat perplexed (not to mention very masculine) sneer, and the other blonde mentally groaned. He'd gone and jinxed himself, it seemed; for now every time he tried to speak, his tongue was automatically creating sounds which were quite definitely not English, even if they did happen to have a similar meaning behind them. His friend was hardly doing any better - Honda was now beginning to snicker from his nerves as he tried and tried to speak the right language, stumbling over a terrible mix of Japanese and English, casting the (rather handsome) woman the occasional hopeful look in case he'd gotten it right-

Which, by the way, he _hadn't. _The sneer was fast losing its confused nature, the blonde's face hardening. "Show me your tickets. I don't have time for morons, hmm?" Something small and sharp glimmered in the inspector's left hand, a faint smile flickering around the edges of normally cold lips as s/he stretched, an elbow going behind those blonde locks. "I don't need to reinvent the holepunch... do I now... hmm...?"

_"This isn't gonna work!"_, Jounouchi cheered, grinning happily at his friend as though there was no threat, and he had no idea what was going on - of course, his words said otherwise.

_"Should we run?" _, Honda enthused, as though he were agreeing.

_"I dunno-"_

At that, the inspector took a single step forwards, almost casually opening his right hand to show them the extra mouth located there; slavering tongue hanging out over sharp teeth, accompanied by a quick organ solo, and the bizarre sound of all the fangirls familiar with a certain anime shooting themselves in the background, because _that _thing was totally not their beloved character. "I will ask you... one more time. Where are your tickets, hmm?"

_"Yeah, we should probably run about now",_ Jounouchi beamed, with only the slightest of glances at Honda. _ "On the count of thre-"_

"Sir?"

"Hmm?" The inspector looked, then looked lower, eventually locating the whereabouts of the speaker when the vertically challenged twelve year old gave the edge of that ridiculous robe a tug. As she did so, Jounouchi and Honda found themselves tensing - just in case little Hermione accidentally pulled the collector's robe clean off (despite there being no obvious way for that to happen), and the good inspector wasn't wearing anything underneath. Certainly, you could see the beginnings of a fishnet top at his neck, but that was hardly about to _count_...

Sadly for the two of them, the collector's robe did not fall to the ground. Rather, the youth bent at the knee, extending his left hand towards his addresser: "You've got a ticket, I see that - I'll have to holepunch that for you, hmmm?"

_Click._

"See, you're just fine." Standing, s/he turned to face the duo: "I've only got a problem with these guys, hmm? You just run along."

To everyone's surprise, Hermione Fleureux Devil Silvermoon Gondola Toot Al-y-a Soo Granger completely ignored the condescending tones present in the youth's voice, instead deciding to inform the surprised inspector of something: "They're exchange students, they were speaking English before. What if they were using a charm to speak to us, but now it's worn off?"

The young man considered this, one hand stroking his chin. "Possible..." With a yawn, he brushed the girl off, ushering her back to her spot with her two friends, hidden once more behind everyone's favourite dynamic duo. He gazed at the teens for a long moment, considering. "It _is _possible, I suppose..."

_"Whew!" _Honda looked genuinely relieved at this, which earned him another kick from Jounouchi.

"...if only I didn't happen to be - _fluent in the language myself, hmm?" _One blue eye narrowed to a laser-like focus as he swapped dialects, and the duo gulped in perfect unison, accidentally producing a musical interval of a major third. Before either could speak in his defense, the ticket collector was pointing towards the window behind the two boys, robe suddenly whipping in some imaginary breeze, the whole room dimming; and his/her voice was suddenly so commanding that you could hear the ominous choral music in the background. _"Out."_

The brunette automatically looked to Jounouchi for an example of what he should do - and when he saw that the blonde wasn't about to move, he decided to hold his ground. After all, his friend's face was currently set in an all too familiar expression; the expression that said that he was about to _kick butt_, possibly in more ways than one.

The man bristled._ "Hey, are you stupid? I said, 'Out', hmm? That means 'out'!"_

_"I... I..."_

A tense silence, interrupted only by the not-so-quiet discussion from the three twelve year olds - none of whom knew what was happening due to the language barrier, but were still smart enough to shut up when they realized that their elders had stopped talking. As soon as they did so, the room practically exploded, Jounouchi lunging as he snarled rebellion against this bully, this overbearing woman (however masculine she happened to be)-

_"I challenge you to a duel!"_

_"Challenge damn well accepte-"_

Well, the ticket collector didn't exactly get a chance to finish his speak, because the other blonde was kind of in midair by this point. And duel they did - as always, the deuteragonist's life points nosedived. This, one could say, was part of his strategy - dropping low to get a look up- I mean, get a look at the terrifying abyss of defeat, before he was able to rise away from it and let his opponent fall with a great shriek. Or something like that, anyway - point is, he dropped low, and the inspector screamed as the boy then lifted himself high into the air, the imaginary breeze sending the robe flapping upwards.

"Take that, ya-"

Jounouchi choked on his own sentence; then broke off gagging. As the trio of the immature let out a gasp, the inspector prepared to knife all other living occupants of the room, and Honda just about died on the spot, the blonde realized two things:

One - he'd finally said something in English.

Two - that ticket inspector?

...Let's just say that they were definitely _male_, thankyou very much. And no male enjoys having their boxer shorts revealed to the world without their express permission - _especially_ when the aforementioned are white and covered in little pink lovehearts, with some raunchy message addressed to one 'Deidara' (presumably the young man's name, going off the context) scrawled across the waist band.

The robe may have flapped back down, sure, but that wasn't about to wipe everyone's memories of the bizarre thing they had just seen - nor was it about to get Jounouchi up off the floor after that nosedive. The heel of the young man's boot pressing against the duelist's neck wasn't about to make things any easier, either; the teen found his nose squashed none too gently into the floor, as Deidara snarled down at him. To be honest, this would have been decidedly more intimidating if Jounouchi had been looking up to _see _that icy stare - but then again, that may not have worked out so well.

_"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you."_

It was Honda who answered that, charging in off the sidelines of description to knock the guy over in an action most convenient for all concerned. "Because we're the same!"

Silence.

_Silence._

"You do realize that I am a highly efficient _ninja_ from a completely different era of history whose abilities are pretty much magical, hmm?"

"Sure, and I'm a flying pink elephant." And with that, the brunette... uh...

Shook Deidara's hand warmly.

_Very _warmly.

* * *

**Notes:**

- Fandoms mentioned so far, none of which I own: YGO (Jounouchi and Honda), Death Note (Light and L) Harry Potter (Harry, Hermione, Ron), Naruto (Deidara). Seems to be pretty anime-dominated at the moment, hmm?

- Since this whole section takes place out of the 'actual' story (our all-caps friend has simply skipped this part, remember?), 'the author' is more likely to be me here.

- Yes, Deidara has a thoroughly annoying habit of going 'hmm?' at the end of practically every sentence in the manga.

**Review Replies For Chapter Three: **

leppy: Thirty Hs seems to be one of those crazy-weird things that you either get or you don't; though I have to admit, getting astronauts, elfin fervour, Dobby, and a groinsaw in a single sentence is probably an achievement in itself. Didn't know that about the word usage there - that the term is incorrect probably makes it all the more hilarious, xDD

As for the illegal/banned thing - the inspector was looking to summon bombs, drugs, weapons, things like that; but due to what he defined for the spell, out came a bunch of magical underwear which, whilst banned according to Hogwarts rules and/or was likely defined as illicit in his head, really... wasn't what he was looking for. That's why he let her on the train afterwards.


	5. The Curse of Chapter Four and A Bit

**Chapter Four And A Bit:** _In which two idiots recap far too much, and the author tries too hard to get a decent recap out of them._

* * *

Honda was sitting cross-legged on the floor, now decked out in some sort of uniform; a cloak far too small for him and peppered with holes, thrown as it was rather hurriedly over his clothes. The mini-Otogi- whoops, _Harry _- had given this to him, and in the spirit of friendship and all that, he was wearing it with pride; though he did occasionally hint towards the gathering of somewhat attractive females that perhaps, he could get into something a little more comfortable-

-and then he sincerely wished that he hadn't said that, because they basically descended upon him with cries reminiscent of Mai Kujaku's Harpy Ladies - and whilst Honda had always secretly wanted ladies cuing up to have a go at him, he was fairly sure that the 'having a go at' he'd imagined was significantly different from the 'having a go at' they represented. The third round of proceedings left him feeling low; though he did perk up when in his fleeing from those of the opposite gender, he discovered a cabin of blokes - all about his age, and all appearing to be absolutely _starved _for a good story.

Settling in amongst them (well, really he was just barging in, but that was besides the point), he gave them something good enough to sate their thirst for a rousing narrative, a story of Jounouchi and Yugi and dragons, and of course it was jam-packed with anecdotes about his own life. He was recapping, of course; but without his friend to nudge him back into line, it was a rather shonky account; filled as it was with a good helping of dragon-slaying and decapitations.

Therefore, it was effectively useless for the author to be showing it - because, let's face it, nothing irrelevant should _ever_ be included in a fic, not even the colour of the ivory curtains, or the fact that there were stains on the carpet, or even a quick listing of the names of Honda's audience (Lee, Fred, George, Bob, El Bobbo, Bobby, so on and so forth). Nope - no matter how interesting the little tale within a fanfic actually _was_, it simply couldn't be shown, because blah blah narrative reasons blah, and so the limelight was to be inevitably shifted onto Jounouchi, wherever he was. The author wanted a _recap_, and so she was going to get a goddamn recap...

...and where _was _Jounouchi, anyway?

* * *

"Look, can I at _least _tell you about the-"

"No."

"But it's really awe-"

"No recapping, or I _swear _I'll have second thoughts about not killing the two of you."

"Fine," the blonde harrumphed, smacking his back hard into the chair and glaring at the she-male sitting next to him. "But it's not my fault if no-one understands the plo-"

Deidara didn't even give his frenemy the honor of a stare returned; instead, he simply closed his eye and turned away, mumbling to himself as he pretended to read a newspaper. "And I swear to Jashin above - even if his worshippers _are _all insane, I swear anyway - if you break _that_ wall one more time, I will personally show you true art."

"Er... You mean Takahashi, right? Van Gogh? Da Vinci?"

Silence, during which Jounouchi leaned right out of his chair to get as close as physically possible to Deidara, blissfully unaware that the latter could have headbutted him into next week if he had wished to. After a while, the teenager spoke, right into the ninja's ear: "Monet, maybe?"

The older man twitched away from the warm spray, resisting a strong urge to annihilate this moron. "Try _Iwagakure,_" he snapped, forcing himself into an upright position, as opposed to the oh-so-tempting option of sitting upright.

There was a long and awkward silence, during which the teenager blinked in confusion, and Deidara waited patiently for him to ask the question. It must have been a good minute before eventually, the blonde decided that he couldn't work it out himself, and so leaned even further, moving into a position most precarious.

"So, what's a Iw... Iwwy-"

"A really big _boom_," the other man growled before the blonde could embarrass either of them any further; and with that, the matter was _closed_ - closed to Deidara, closed to Jounouchi, and most importantly, closed to the rest of the world. It was dead, gone, buried, this fact being acknowledged by the ninja's conversational partner with a sheepish "Ah, okay", and a...

...Well, that thoughtful look certainly wasn't part of the plan. Neither was that sudden glint of excitement creeping its way back into his e– _honey orbs_, or the way in which he began to lean over his companion, as though about to divulge some great secret of utmost importance.

"So, wanna know what ha-"

"No."

And with that, the conversation was closed,_ and closed for real this time_ - leaving all the readers completely in the dark as to how exactly the Dreadful Duo had avoided death at the hands of a very cross ninja.

* * *

However – sadly for Deidara – the author had other ideas about that. You see, she had a goddamn _story _to tell, and it was going to get _reviews_, if only to honor the wishes of that author whose story she happened to be rewriting – and damn, she'd have them in her grubby paws, regardless of whether the readers or the characters found themselves actually enjoying the story. Her mission for this piece, therefore, was to catch these rare creatures – and in order to have _reviews, _people needed to be happy; and so recaps were necessary.

_Especially_ when one just couldn't be bothered showing that really sweet Honda vs Deidara fight sequence with the flying car and the toothpaste tube–turned wand, and desperately wanted to just get to the fun bits, and had already decided in advance to blame the rating for not writing it all out. And on that note - the lack of toothpaste–related violence was totally the rating's fault; so burn down the servers and raise all heck before you realize that you misread the criteria, why don't ya?

Anyway – due to the need for recapping, the little author at that point chose to recap. This was admittedly difficult, given that Deidara was currently on the verge of killing off one of her deuteragonists, and made even worse by a relatively simple main issue was this: Whilst the earlier conflict was referenced multiple times in the plot, all she could find documented of the incident itself was but a few lines, coming amidst the storm of explanations unleashed as Jounouchi and Honda came prancing through the high arches of the place known as either Hogwarts, Higwits, Hagworst, or strawgoH:

AND THYE MET DEDRA ON TEHE TARIN, HE WOZ SUPER SECRET NINJA SPY AND SUPER COOL BUT ASLO MAEN. HE WNTAD THM TO WORK FOR HMI BET THY SIAD 'NOOOOOOOOOO!11!' BT HE BET HDNA UP, SO TEHY HDA TO WUK FRO HIM. R&R OR ELSE HEEL TEAR YOUR HED FOF- and so on and so forth.

This, in an odd sort of way, was the ultimate form of the high art known as 'recap' – a conciseness that went unopposed, a certain blunt logic about its explanation; something that the fic's rewriter could not possibly hope to match - yet what other option was there, but to attempt such a thing? Was there truly some way in which one could restructure such an incredible recap to become something resembling plot, without the thing losing the original _flavour _of the story?

And then she realized that there _was_, in fact, another option - a plan B of sorts, a plan that would surely result in an automatic victory for either side:

_Ignore the goddamn author, and just get to the half-decent stuff._

So, two idiots walk into Hogwarts...

* * *

**UAB**

- It felt more right to put this anecdote as a separate chapter in its own right, because it just wasn't going to fit with the rest of things otherwise. So yes, short chapter - thingy is short.


	6. Welcome To Chapter Six

**Chapter Six**

_In which two idiots get sorted – sorted, Sorted, same thing really – and the author sorely wishes that they would stop playing with sticks._

Side by side, the two boys strolled through the enormous double doors and entered HigwitzSool f Megic (or at least, that is what the original author called it), taking in the glorious architecture of the old castle as they walked down a wide corridor behind chattering twelve–year–olds, headed for some destination unknown. High arches soared above their heads, and largetorches burned on every wall, flickering firelight bouncing off the rough, stone–grey walls, and making shadows long. Everyone's sneakers clacked loudly on the floor as they walked; the echoes adding up to create a near–impassable wall of sound, one that made Jounouchi wince and Honda's ears begin to ring.

"I don't believe I have seen you two before."

The two thugs immediately fell into step with the newcomer, muscles tightening a little in anticipation. The blonde gave the older woman a curious little side – glance, answering her question carefully,with words stilted. "We – transfer – students – Japan." He bobbed his head; a mocking imitation of a clueless Japanese tourist. "Papers – are – in – luggage, yes?"

"Oh! So, you're new…" She put her hands together, bowed stiffly, without smiling. "My name is Professor McGonogall. I will speak of this with the Headmaster."

Feeling more than a little relieved, Jounouchi and Honda moved away – and now, on with the detailing of a place so very gargantuan, a place nothing short of enormous, nothing less than corridor soon opened up into a large atrium–like area, causing the two boys to pause a moment as they gawked at the staircases floating high above them–

–okay, so they were _mostly _gawking at the females walking down the stairs, but that's beside the point. It's easy to see why the author simply went 'AN DEN THEY WER SORSTED' here; however, to this author, details are very important, especially when one is discussing such a classic series as–

"Hey, check _that _beauty out", Jou pointed upwards, indicating one girl, whose bright pink hair, inhumanly long legs, alluring eyes of shifting colours, and giant green Harpy wings somehow made her look very pretty. Her name was Susanna, and she liked Hawaiian pizza (just like the author), and got great marks (again, just like the author), only she _also_ had the ability to shoot 'likeing boots' from her eyeballs, which the author presumably couldn't (and still can't) do. "I'd hit that, yeah?"

Detail, it turns out, isn't always a very good idea – so, I suppose we might as well take a leaf from the author's book, and simply end this little scene the way it was meant to be passed over:

AN DEN THEY WER SORSTED!

* * *

"Hey, squirt. Who d'ya think y–"

"Transfer student."

"Excuse me sirs, but I don't think I have ever had the pleasure of–"

"Transfer student."

"Who might you b–"

"Transfer student", Jounouchi said in a solemn monotone, his expression unchanging until Honda started mimicking whoever asked the question behind their backs, at which point they both began to snort – though since they were careful (gasp!) to use Japanese whenever they spoke to each other of how idiotic these people appeared to be, no–one was any the wiser.

_"They're just going to take us in because 'transfer student'? Is that a valid reason?"_

_"Hey, give 'em some credit. I mean, they do want to see our papers"_, Jounouchi points out with asly grin. _"Which are in our luggage, of course."_

_"Our much missed, dearly departed, gee–I'm–so–sorry–about–this–it–was–just–an–acciden t–honest luggage?"_

_"Yes, that luggage."_

The two boys were currently seated at a table that redefines the definition of 'long'; it seemed to stretch into eternity and back again – and to make matters more ridiculous, there were no less than _four_ such tables in the hall (it's best not to think about that too hard). Each table seemed to have their own sort of _character _to it; for instance, the green–and–silver–tie students appeared to be carving their initials into theirs, whilst the red–and–gold–tie students seemed to be content to leave their table alone for the time being. There were another two houses besides those, but one of them it wasn't really that important, so the little author appears to have completely ignored it. The _other _faction, however – the one whose table Jou and Honda were seated at – was populated mostly by a bunch of rather nice guys who will likely be forgotten sometime in the next twenty–five words, their ties being dyed bright yellow and ivory black. Their special trait, by the way, was 'being sane', and the house's motto was–

"Let the Sorting begin!", an enormous voice boomed, wiping out the Hifflepiffs in all of two seconds.

"Oh cool, Sorting!", Honda yelled, springing from his seat and clapping loudly, before realizing that he was the sole sound in a total silence and sitting back down."Erm…"

"He's Japanese! We're Japanese!", Jounouchi defended immediately, only to be greeted with more silence, surprised stares now becoming suspicious stares. Murmurs of_ "Do we even know this guy?"_ soon began to make an appearance, as the blonde struggled for words, or at least English words that didn't happen to be swears. "Uh… I mean…TRANSFER STUDENTS!"

This was received with a light round of applause, teachers nodding approvingly in the blonde's general direction as the mob settled down, to the tune of mumbled lines like "_Such wit…_" and "_What a champion!_" Incidentally, this is not going to impact the story in any way, shape, or for–

"Transfer students… yes, of course", said the venerable headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, stroking his grey beard for a moment before he stepped towards his podium with an awkward _creak_. "Now, the Sorting will be done amongst the first–years, and…"

(A long and copy–pasted section of Dumbledore's opening speech from the first book then comprised the singularly well–written part of the original chapter. Of course, due to this author's general all–round intelligence, this has since been removed, and replaced with a finely crafted dialogue between our two main characters, a cheeky sort of banter, a light entertainment that–)

_"…You don't suppose that's Yami Pegasus or something, do you?"_

_"What makes you say that?"_

_"He's got more hair. Crazier hair."_

_"Not as crazy as her hair, though" (and here, Honda points to the big half–ogre with the ridiculous amount of black hair – she's got so much that you can hardly see her eyes.)_

_"Uh, Honda? I think that she may be a he."_

(–okay, so it's utterly inane. It probably would have made more sense if it hadn't been Jounouchi and Honda, but _still–_)

"Hiroto, Honda! Please come to the Sorting Hat!"

–oh, hello there, useful plot point! It's great to see you again! (and here, it is probably important to mention: When you're floating in a deserted lake of insanity, the plot point is your very best friend. Trust me.)

Following the long and highly annoying 'approach the hat in slow–mo due to the Author raving about the hat' sequence, Honda pulled the battered hat over his eyes as best he could. There was admittedly some level of struggle involved, due to the shape of his hair, but at the end of the day, this was a Yu–Gi–Oh character versus a _hat_. It would have been sad if Honda hadn't won, even if to win he was ultimately forced to tear off one of the many patches so that his hair could fit through it. "So, uh – what's this thing for again?"

_Hah, kids these days. Don't they ever lear–_

_"Eeeeeeyyaaaaahhh!"_, Honda screamed; but because he screamed in Japanese, no–one bar Jounouchi could understand that he was, in fact, screaming. They sort of nodded along with dreamy smiles; you could almost taste the 'But of course, dear!' lingering on their tongues.

_–oh, and they do THAT too, egad, kids these days with their pet awkwards and their screaming and their chattering, when I was a young Hat I'd have had none of it, I'd have–_

_"I– I'm a transfer student!"_

_Ohhhh, a transfer student_, the hat mumbled inside Honda's head_. Well, why didn't you say so before?_

_"Wh– wha– the devil are y– why– um–"_

_Not my fault if you weren't listening. I'm going to Sort you now, based on what you're thinking. A perfectly flawless system, if I say so myse–_

Honda, needless to say, thought of a certain gender in a certain sort of attire, a vision of loveliness which required little explaining, and even less today, because let's face it – this is the anime crossover section on , and I am basically writing to a bunch of perverts here. You're welcome.

_Eeeeeeek!_, the hat thought screamed in surprise and horror, sounding more like a very young girl wronged than a powerful, not to mention magical, artifact. The scream, nevertheless, tore straight through the brunette's head without remorse, leaving him with a splitting headache. _See, this is why I hate transfers! You could at least have thought of her without the freaking whip, but nooo–_

_"Bite me",_ Honda replied in a rare moment of nastiness, mostly because he was feeling more than a little sick of the hat by now. After all, what kind of ancient artifact had _this _bad of an attitude, and then proceeded to scream like a toddler – right after it had told you not to scream?

_"You told me to think of my favourite thing, what more can you want?"_ And of course, as he said, it, he accidentally thought of that favourite thing again, to the tune of a long and painful (albeit immensely satisfying) _auuuuugh _from the hat.

"S–SLYTHERIIIIIIINnnnn... auugh…", the precious, ancient magical artifact bawled out a few seconds later, with a little choke in its voice as though it were about to cry. At that, Honda was dragged away– I mean, he was handed a green and silver tie, then ushered to a table of skinny, pale–skinned kids with no real muscle to them, all sporting identical smirks. Almost instantly, he was repressing a strong urge to thum– I mean, to shake each of them by the hand, _very _warmly. After all, the males bore resemblance to some sort of unholy lovechild of Kaiba and Vivian, whilst the females appeared to be sporting even stranger hairstyles than the ones he'd seen back in Domino, and apparently name tags expressing their overly long names was compulsory for the ladies of Slytherin house. Not one face he saw looked even remotely friendly; it was obvious that these wimps were sizing him up already, looking to see what they could get out of him–

"Katsuya, Jounouchi!", Dumbledore called, the blonde's head snapping up like a dog called to attention; his knees shook as he dragged the filthy Hat down over his face, waiting tensely for–

_There is no way I'm putting you two in the same house, buddy._

_"H–hey! I'm best friends with Honda! We shared good times with each other, we went around together, we're great mates, your damn Housing thing isn't going to change anythi–"_

"GRIFFYNDOR!", the hat blurted, then dropped back to thought speech. _You stand up for your friends, so I'm putting you there. Have fun._

There was a silence, a very long silence, a quiet so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

And then, a line pulled directly from the original story:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11!87!dsf!"

* * *

"Where's your lu-"

"Transfer student."

"Yeah, I get that and all, but where's your _luggage?_"

Honda stretched out on the four-poster bed with the emerald curtains, burying his face in the pillows. Jounouchi wasn't there, because the author had been so cruel to him, they'd been separated and all – butguess what, he still couldn't get his angst-time in, because someone was asking him questions.

_Again._

"Transfer student", he growled in irritation, sorely wishing that it would work as well for as it did for Jounouchi. Sadly, it didn't; either the Slytherin was a top-notch jerk, or Honda was just worse at lying, because Whoever it Was persisted with asking him about his belongings.

"Why don't you ha-"

"Transfer student."

"Okay, okay - but your _suitcase. _Where is it? Where's your wand?"

"Wand...?" The blonde rolled over rather slowly, giving the other boy a look of something that sat somewhere in between total boredom and mild incredulity. "You people have _wands?_"

"What, and you people _don't?_" A sneer curled at the edge of the Slytherin's lip. "Ohhhh, does Baby wannawa–"

That was as far as he got, before he was lifted high into the air, and thrown halfway across the room. And I say 'halfway', because he kind of smacked into another first–year midflight, and lost most of his momentum (not to mention most of his good looks) that way. (Knowing his assailant's cruel nature, the poor kid _also _exploded into a bunch of pieces on contact with the other student in a manner that would have done Deidara proud, but that sort of thing would undoubtedly break the rating. Instead, please pretend that a lot of red confetti and red silly string was sprayed all over the walls shortly afterwards.)

"Come on. I have been tasked to get you and that Griffyndor scum wands."

Sadly, however, that wasn't Honda's cue to strike an obligatory badass pose. Serverus Snape, after all, was now staring at him in such a way that said '_One wrong move, and you're next_', and the brunette didn't really feel like being smashed headlong into a wall. He couldn't laugh at the other boy's misfortune, either; Jounouchi wasn't there to laugh with him, and so the angst marched ever onwards.

So instead, with a little yawn, he merely followed the robed guy out of the room.

* * *

**Babble:**

- Nope, this one ain't dead just yet.

- This one's been put _back _in the crossover section again, due to using the Potter setting and about half the plot. It's still more about YGO, though.

- For some reason, I had a lot of present/past tense issues with this chapter. The 'author' sections are meant to be in present tense, but let me know if the actual story accidentally segues into present tense, okay?


End file.
